things I'm afraid to tell you

 

There's so much I want to say about this.

Inspired by Jess' post, a movement started by EZ, a month or so in the works already, have you heard about this yet? Have you written a post inspired by this topic?  EZ's thoughts on this are wonderful by the way and knowing her in person, I can tell you that her post is exactly like sitting down to have an in person conversation with her. 

That's what most of us are after here with our blogs, right? A feeling like if you sat down in person with the blogger behind the blog, it would be similar or the same? We pride ourselves on a sense of transparency and working from the heart. And by we I'm speaking mostly of the creative, art and design community that I've come to know over the last six years of being in this online world. 

But lately, I guess there's been a lot of backlash about blogs not being transparent enough? Portraying so much beauty and pretty, and perceived perfection that now everyone's upset because they can't measure up to a blog or a blogger they follow. Really, is this what it always comes down to? The pendulum swings one way so far that there has to always be something to rebel against. I remember the days when the beauty and sincerity expressed on blogs was a complete breath of fresh air to me ~ especially in comparison to traditional media outlets that are not only hyper edited but tend to focus almost solely on exploiting the negative events on this planet. I also remember when I asked a similar question of myself and the blog world a few years ago. But I'm feeling seasoned in this world now and I have new thoughts to add ot the mix.

To be honest blogs still provide a huge source of inspiration for me. Have I too fallen into the trap of not feeling enough in comparison. Absolutely, as I'll share more with you below. However I fell into that trap long before there were blogs. I fell into that trap as soon as I was pitted against someone in school, when I didn't make the dance team, or when my parents openly judged someone against me in front of me. To suddenly blame blogs for our lack of a sense of self is a bit extreme. And also good, because it gets conversations like this going which always means progress.

I'd say instead that we're all of after a strong sense of self. And by we, I mean every single one of us.

When are we going to realize - we can read blogs or not, support or ridicule them but it's not things from the outside that are upsetting our sense of self. Nobody is upsetting us. We are always the ones who are responsible for how we feel. We can keep letting the outside world be our excuse to disrupt us or we can decide to do the inner work and commit to developing a strong sense of self anyway. Then and only then, is when the all of this outside noise will finally fall away.

In my opinion blogs have been the closest that we've come to cracking the surface. It makes perfect sense since most of the blogs 'somebody is internet yelling at' {loving that expression that I read over at Melanie's blog} are the pioneers. They are simply finding their way with this just like the rest of us. I've said time and time again - so now I'm going to internet yell it, and I'm going to make it bold so you really know I'm yelling it:

GIVE yourselves a break. THIS is a new medium. NONE of us know how it to balance it all. NONE of us know how it's going to shake out exactly. BECAUSE as soon as we figure one part out, it changes {entirely}. TRY balancing what is changing every day. YOU CAN'T. OTHER than to find balance within yourself and do YOUR work, not SOMEONE ELSE's from that space. FIND YOUR VOICE. Be clear how you want to present yourself and your brand or your personal life or your business or both and do it. DON'T WORRY about how and why everyone else is doing what they're doing. WE ARE NOT ALL MEANT TO BE and DO EVERYTHING THE SAME.

What I'm trying to say beneath my internet shouting here is that just because someone blogs does not mean that they suddenly owe it to everyone to reveal their entire personal life. In fact they don't owe anything to anyone, unless they are professional, and then they have their sponsors who care about traffic. I have no experience with this so I'm not going to speak to it. Even then, most of those blogs that are now professional started as inspired ideas and only became professional because their inspired ideas garnered a lot of eyeballs. And since I know many of those bloggers in person, I know they are trying their best to keep their blog as true to their original inspiration and voice as they can. But it is a business. And business is not personal. It just isn't. And it also goes through changes. 

As you know if you've been coming here for a while - Authenticity, Integrity,  Truth  matter a whole heck of a lot to me. A LOT. Probably too much because the world often seems to fall short of my expectations around this. I sometimes fall short of this as well. But those values are in me, have been since the time I was small.  And I've been disappointed more times than I can count with people who claim to value these traits and reveal to me through their actions that they actually do not have a clue about what it means to live with these values.

I assume that if you visit here, you expect that I will also come to the table with these qualities in this blog. And I have tried. Absolutely I have. There are probably times I've fallen short, but I've always tried to be super clear about what this blog space is for me.

And lately, for quite a while actually, probably since I started my book and have been temporarily paralyzed, by energy and time parameters to share any of my usual thoughts here  - I've been thinking. I've been thinking so much about what I want this blog to be, for me. 

Because I'm not a sponsored blog, but Creative Thursday is my business. Yet, I've always claimed this blog in part as my personal space to also share what speaks to me. And my art, while it is my business. It's personal. So where is all of this going? Better yet, where do I want it to go? I do not have the newest answer to this yet, but this topic has become a great kickstart to defining that more. And I do know that I need to do things my way, instead of everyone else's way more than ever before.

Big surprise, the internet has changed again. It's changed in the last six months that I have been away from it more than I have been present. 

The point is that all I ask of myself and anyone, ever, is just to be true to who they are, where they are in any moment. So if your blog is professional, you don't owe it to anyone to share more personal information than you want to, or you can share as much of your personal life as you'd like. If your blog is personal, the same applies. If you only want to share what uplifts you, inspires you and feels pretty, then you have that right. If you want to lift up the rug and show the dirt, and the dustbunnies and the pile of laundry or the dirty dishes, that is your right. If you wat to vent about what pisses you off, do it. If you want to highlight stories that make you happy, do it. If you want to do both, do that. If you want to only show imagery and say nothing, fantastic. Who said blogging had to be any one way? What I ask is that we all be clear of our intentions so there's no confusion. Just one simple statement somewhere about what you intend, and that is all. And if that's not your style either, don't do it - it's just a simple request from me. Oh and guess what, you always have the right to change your mind, or your business, or your overall direction in life and your blog. You do. We all do.

With all of that said, I'm coming back to the actual topic at hand here what am I afraid to tell you? Truth is I'm not actually afraid to tell you anything. Hesitant sometimes yes, but not afraid. If I havent' told you what I'm going to share with you here it's probably because you haven't spent enough time in person with me. Because if you have, I will tell you. 

I grew up in a family where a lot of personal pain and turmoil was kept private. I was the only kid, so sometimes I felt as if I had to carry the burden of that. Not intended by my family of course. And I certainly didn't try to take it on. It just happens, because when you're little you don't know any better. You come into the world with an open heart. You don't know that there are things you are supposed to share and things you don't. You don't know yet what a bunch of people are going to expect of you. You're just you. {And honestly that person, is who I'm perpetually trying to make my way back to.}

Part of the reason I think I took so much on is because there was nowhere to share it. Because I grew up in a time where privacy was valued and just how things were done, I guess my rebellion is in being as completely honest as I can. However, with reservation and almost exclusively with those closest to me. 

There is a lot that I've openly shared on this blog and I've been told more than once in my life, even by other artists that I share too much. That I wear my heart on my sleeve, as if somehow this is a flaw. To which I've always fired back, but this is who I am. I do share freely what's on my mind, I do where my heart on my sleeve, I do want to help people, especially fellow creatives find their way - but, not entirely, not completely with every single person or on my blog. And that is also me.

I do like leaving some parts of myself a mystery, maybe even because they are a mystery to me. Not because it's somehow better to by mysterious, as I've also been told by artists, but because I don't want every bit of my heart out there in the hands of people I do not personally know or trust. Somethings that we experience in life are simply to delicate to be shared before we are our ready. And some things we know not everyone is ready to hear. 

So as I share with you my list related to this topic, I will also tell you that there are almost always personal things happening that I am not sharing with you. Not because I am afraid to, but because I don't want to.  

While my blog may be in the middle of experiencing a tiny identity crisis, it has never been my sole confidant. It has always been about my art, my inspiration, my thoughts, my life related to my creative journey. And that's probably never going to change...but never say never.

Alrighty then, some things I probably haven't shared with you - for fear I might be judged. That's really what scares us right? The feeling that we will be judged, then outcast. Worrying about what others think of us is a tough one to let go of, so I'll start with that.

• As hard as I try I still find myself getting swept away in worry, and caring far too much about what others think of me. I want people to like me and my art. However I will say that growing this business, and sharing myself and my art in an online space has been one of the best teachers in helping me to let go of this little by little. And I'm so much better than I used to be on this subject. I'm really getting ok, even if I or my art haven't been invited to that party too.
• And to that point, on some days my self worth in any moment is way too attached to the feedback I get or don't get online. 
• My feelings get hurt much less than they used to, but to echo Erin, my feelings get hurt easily and not only do they get hurt, but I usually momentarily want nothing to do with the person who hurt me ever again. 
• There are some people that I will probably never speak to again {even though I have forgiven them}, but I don't call that hurt feelings, I just call it healthy boundaries. 
• I went somewhere slightly over $30,000 in personal credit card debt while trying to become a full time artist. I'm still paying back $26,500 give or take a few dollars depending upon what I invest back into this business. I drive a 25 year old car that I LOVE, so I like to see 'paying my credit card debt back' as my 'car payment' that I don't have. While I'm not a fan of debt, I'll never regret that I took a chance, and bet on me and this business.
• Going into that kind of debt and pulling myself out of it, has taught me to look close and hard at my finances instead of sweeping them under the rug. Something that my very honest self preferred to be slightly dishonest about for some time.
• Losing my dad at such a young age, I probably think far more about death than most. While, the awareness of mortality taught me to really live my life and continues to inspire me to want the best and the most from it, I check if all of my loved ones are still breathing far too frequently.
• With all of my recent successes in this business, I still {errrgh!} compare myself to others and fall short, which not only makes me feel like crap but keeps me from creating instead in that moment. One of the reasons I too have pulled back from being online quite so much. This feeling, much like the caring about what other's think has gotten better over the years - as I mentioned above, continual practice of being in this space has really helped but so has shutting it out all together
• Because I'm a self taught artist, I often wonder if people will realize that maybe I don't really know what I'm doing. {but then I remember that I actually do know what I'm doing}
• I still feel guilty when I am doing something fun vs. something hard. I find myself justifying this far too often and I'm tired of bending over backwards to prove my apprecaiton for the creative life I reached for, went after and have worked hard to build. 
• I hired a cleaning person and a part time assistant this past year, and just this month and these are two of the best things I have ever done.
• I pretty much hate discussing politics and pretty much hate listening to discussions about politics, except for The Daily Show, The Colbert Report {the only shows that make the news palatable for me} and Real Time with Bill Maher 
• I like to live an efficient and organized life. In fact I think given the other option, living this kind of life is better, which also means that I'm becoming really hard {probably too hard} on flaky people.
• I genuinely try to live a thoughtful, beautiful, best version of my life every single day and I no longer want apologize for it, or try to downplay it - simply because this kind of living can make others feel jealous or uncomfortable because where they are in that moment means they just aren't willing to try for themselves. {On a side note, I'm so glad that blogs in particular present such seemingly effortless beauty in the world. It has made me reach for far more. It has made me care for and appreciate my surroundings in a way I never did before.}
• I also have shit days, sad ones filled with dissapointment, frustration, overwhelm, general crankiness, and bitchiness but they turn around quicker, because I choose for them to. {Daily Appreciation people - it works.}
• Fuck is my favorite swear word and when I'm fired-up and/or angry I use it all the time.
• I believe in a positive outlook, always have, always will and I don't want to pretend to be more cynical than I really am just to keep everyone else comfortable again. I've actually had people tell me "you're too positive" - not lately thankfully. 
• I've always said, my art is created mostly from joy and that is what I want to share with you here.

While I'm openly telling you that I'm not sharing everything with you in this space, I also believe so much in the power of healing that happens when sharing honest stories with one another, especially when we overcome hardships. Inevitably I almost always tell my entire story, but sometimes I wait until I'm on the other side, when I feel I have something meaningful to offer. So I hope in some small way this post is that for you. It is cathartic to share honestly of yourself, to whatever degree you feel comfortable. And remember that honesty also includes plenty of pretty.